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Splitting Hairs/Script
Tina: herself "Good morning A. Nigma! The last few days have certainly been intense. A once in a lifetime eclipse, a pyramid opening, our school president suspended for cheating–or was it blackmail? Chaz was a jerk as usual, and people are being taken to a secret location called Coral Grove for knowing too much." turns off the camera and sighs. "Who am I kidding? I can't report any of this without any actual facts. Well, maybe the Chaz part. All I really know for sure is how bad it feels to make a pact with Jenny to not date Lee a few seconds before he finally asked me out!" groaning "Even my love life feels like a conspiracy!" pops open a soda can, and it explodes. "Whaew!" picture opens on her computer. "Whoa, wait a second. What is this?" ---- Detentionaire ---- Lee: "What do you want from me?!?" is holding a crystal gun and pointing it at The Serpent. Biffy approaches The Serpent from the other side, a crystal gun in his hands as well. The Serpent: calmly "I already have what I want." Lee: "Okay, enough with the riddles. Everything with you is slow-mo doves, flying around in the rain! I've had it. Biffy, lock and load!" The Serpent: "Fine. Have it your way." pulls a plastic bag with a test tube inside from his jacket. Lee: "Okay, I know you're a gold-medal class weirdo, but why do you have that?" The Serpent: "Wouldn't you like to know." ---- Earlier that day...8:08 AM is sitting in a cafe. She pulls the book and cipher out and begins reading. Jenny: "Okay, what was on this missing page?" phone rings, and she answers. Tina: "Jenny! Hey. There's a file in a Coral Grove database you need to see. It's about brainwashing." Jenny: her eyes "Ugh, brainwashing? Can it wait? I'm kinda in the middle of something." Tina: "No, check out the photo I just sent you." photo downloads to Jenny's phone, and she scrolls through it. "It's Barrage and Wurst in a lab with VP Victoria, Coach Pummel, Missus Lob, and, well–" Jenny: the last figure "My mom?" Tina: "She's a scientist, right?" Jenny: "No, she's a musician. What is this, is it even real? Maybe it was like some publicity stunt for her band." the time "Aw man, is that the time? Gotta go, I'm gonna be late for school. We'll pick this up later 'kay?" hangs up and runs out the door of the cafe with her backpack. She runs over to a light pole and finds a broken bike lock. Jenny: "Aw, great! Really? Now this?" The Serpent: "Something wrong?" Serpent is leaning on a newspaper stand. His motorcycle is parked next to it. Jenny: irritated "Yes something's wrong, can you guess what it is? Oh, here's a clue, broken bike lock and no bike! Did you see anything?" The Serpent: "I see a lot of things. But a bike thief? Sorry. No dice." walks to his motorcycle. Jenny: sarcastic "Thanks for your help, Mister Observant." herself "I can't be late for school again." The Serpent: his motorcycle "I'm heading that way. Or, you can be late." up a spare helmet "Your call." ---- is looking at his phone as he walks to school. A peppy Holger walks up beside him. Holger: happy "Lee! Lee! Vakey vakey!" Lee: "Oh, hey Holg. Sup." Holger: "Holger getting sad vibey feeling times from you, ja? Perhaps? Teensy bit? Maybe?" Lee: "Nah, I'm okay. I'm distracting myself with Biffy's twenty-four seven Serpent network. There's been no sign of him today, anyway. Man, where is he?" taps him on the shoulder. "Aah!" juggles his phone and barely manages to avoid dropping it. Behind him, Biffy laughs. Biffy: "Paranoid much?" Lee: "Always. By the way, say hi to your favorite snake." Biffy: looking "That reptile's so messed up." Holger: "But Lee, Serpentcam is only distracting Leemiester from own true feelings! For Tina! Hello? Yesterday? Holger knowing, okay? With magical power times." Biffy: annoyed "Aw, this again? You don't even know what your powers are!" wickedly "Wait. Maybe I can help. Process of elimination kinda thing? I got a slow day. Meet up after homeroom?" Holger: excited "Oohoo! Most yesfinitely!" Biffy: "Booyeah!" holds out his fist for a fistbump, and Biffy takes the opportunity to punch his hand. Holger: "Ow!" Biffy: "Instant guinea pig!" Lee "Hey, you know, that can't have much battery power left." Lee: "Please don't tell me that now." and his friends walk into school. Behind them, a motorcycle pulls up to the curb and a girl dismounts. Jenny: "Thanks! I totes owe you one." hi-fives The Serpent and runs toward school. "Later!" The Serpent: "Ahem. The helmet?" Jenny: back "Duh!" takes it off. "My bad. Sorry." scratches her head, and several small bugs fall onto passing students. Jenny: "Thanks again for helping me out! I think one more time and they were gonna suspend me or something!" runs into school. The Serpent drops the helmet into a plastic bag with a biohazard label. The Serpent: "Silly girl. There are far worse things than suspension." ---- runs into his basement, clad in nothing but boxers, socks, and an undershirt. Camillio: "House to myself. No pants required. Whoever said suspension stinks is like, totally loco bro!" with a gaming system "System loaded, controllers charged, controllers, controllers–" for them "–where are all my controllers? This doesn't even make sense! Unless–Mom! Sneaky. But no way is she gonna wreck the best day off ever!" up the remote "Hola, cable TV!" switches the television on. Gardening Show Host: "Today, your favorite topic and mine: gardening." Camillio: "Uh-uh." changes the channel. Kids Show Host: "He-e-e-ey kids, this is my elbow!" Camillio: channels "Aw! Where's all the good stuff? C'mon TV, don't turn against me now! After all I've done for you?" Other Kids Show Host: singing "Everybody makes mistakes, we do! That's what makes us special!" Camillio: back "You know, that is just so true dude." ---- school news comes on while Lee and Holger are in homeroom. Chaz: "Good morning A. Nigma High, I'm Chaz Monerainian." Tina: "And I'm Tina Kwee, with our top story: yesterday, in a shocking turn of events, our school president was suspended and deposed for cheating." sighs as he watches Tina report. Holger: chipper "Cheer up, friends! Maybe Lee of Pings can be asking her outs again today! Oh. No, no no, because maybe she will just make crushy again." gasping "Oh! Sorry! That make Lee more sad. Holger can smell, and smell of sad is so yucky." sniffs the air. "Whoops! No." air away from his butt "That smell was being actually something else. Sorry!" Chaz: "Hey I get why Cam the former man cheated." stares at him angrily. "I mean who doesn't, am I right? But to get caught? Bad form! I like a leader who can cheat and get away with it!" Beth: offscreen "Oh would you just get on with it!" Chaz: "Oh yeah this should be good." walks on camera. "And so it's my great dis''pleasure to introduce our new president, Beth. And warning, if you wanna close your eyes now's the time. Fyi not so TV friendly!" '''Beth:' a wizard's cap and holding a wand "Greetings, disciples!" Chaz "And if that's the way you really feel then as school president I hereby banish you from the newsroom! Banishimo!" lifts her leg and kicks Chaz's chair away. Chaz: "Ow! What?" up "You can't do that! My fans need me like puppies need oxygen! Okay this isn't over, I'm calling my lawyer, their lawyers, and some other lawyers! And you'll be hearing from somebody! Mark my word!" leaves. Tina: "I'm pretty sure school presidents can't banish anyone Beth. That's up to the principal. Or principals, in our case." Beth: "Silence! From now on, the name Camillio Martinez is banned from school grounds, and so is gluten. Say goodbye to pizza Tuesdays!" laughs as the school groans. "From now on, everyone must address me as High Wizard of the Arcane Council of Knowledge and Power." Chaz: from the hall "Tina, Chazzy here, and looking great I might add, and I'm live with the former First Lady of A. Nigma High. Brandy, the king is dead. How does it feel? I hope it feels awful. Y'know, ratings?" Brandy: up "My Cammy may be gone, but he will not be forgotten." the background, several students walk by, scratching their heads. Tina: "Chaz, I can't help notice a lot of students are scratching their heads." Brandy: hurt "Of course they are. Losing Camillio as their president makes no sense." the televisions in the school lose their signal. Beth has pulled the plug. Beth: "How dare you let Chaz back on the air to talk about He Whose Name Shall Never Be Uttered. Banishimo to you too!" Tina: "So you're starting your presidency with a media blackout? Head scratching means lice, and we should be warning Barrage before it spreads." Beth: "Nothing will ruin my coronation day. Not even lice! But if anyone tries, I'll use my magic wand to turn them into lice!" Tina: "Pretty sure that would just make things worse." Beth: enraged "GET OUT!" Lee has moved on to another form of entertainment: The Serpent's lair. However, the battery on the phone is running low. Lee: "Great. Biffy was right! C'mon battery last!" slithers by and knocks the camera askance. It is now pointed at a bulletin board full of pictures of the Ping family. Lee: "What? Photos of my parents? But I don't–and wait. Is that my Brick McSlam electric toothbrush?" Serpent has used it to clean the toilet in Lee's house. "What is this?" camera shuts off. "Urgh! No way!" the classroom, The Serpent peers in at Lee. He smiles and walks down the hall. He uses his cell phone to make a call. The Serpent: "Hello? Yes, I'm calling to report an outbreak." him, two students walk by, scratching their heads. ---- homeroom, Lee walks over to his locker. Biffy and Holger meet there. Biffy: "Ready for some superpower testing?" Holger: "You mean, magic power testing?" Biffy: "Whatever, Aladdin. First test: walk through that wall." eagerly rushes to obey and runs facefirst into the indicated wall. He flops on the ground, hurt, and Biffy laughs. Biffy: "Walking through walls: negatory. Ping, how's the feed?" angrily slams his locker door. Lee: "It isn't. But before it conked out the snake changed the angle. Guy's got photos of my family! If that's not creepy I don't know what is." Biffy: "Oh it's creepy alright." Principal General Barrage: "Well well." approaches them. "Tweedledum and tweedledumber! Busted for loitering!" Lee: "Between classes? Isn't that a tad excessive, even for you?" Principal General Barrage: quietly "You want excessive." louder "I'll give you so much excessive, your head will e–" Tina: "Principal Barrage!" runs towards them. Lee: "Oh man." turns into the hall and skids to a stop. Beth: "Stop already! Haltissima!" does halt–as soon as she reaches the principal. She spots Lee, and both Tina and Lee blush. Tina's mind soon returns to business, though. Tina: "Barrage, A. Nigma High has a lice outbreak!" who hears her gasps. Chaz: melodramatic "Lice? Sweet ma-ma! Not the hair gremlins!" pulls his sport coat over his hair. "Okay, don't worry scalp. I will get you outta here!" for it "WAAAA!" Principal General Barrage: "Lice? In my school? Horsehooey with a side of pickled chives and gravy. And a most likely story." ambulances pull up outside the school. A bunch of doctors wearing uniforms that completely cover their bodies walk in. Doctor: "This school is quarantined: you've got lice." Principal General Barrage: eager "I do love a good lockdown." pulls a remote out of his pocket and presses the button for a lockdown. Every way out shuts and is swiftly sealed up with a metal plate. ---- with Barrage's face on the screen move through the school. Principal General Barrage: "Attention all students! Hustle to the gymnasium, double time!" eyebots chase the students towards the gym. "We got us a quarantine to enforce!" principal himself is escorting Lee and his friends. Tina: "But sir, how did the outbreak experts get here so fast? I didn't call them, and you didn't even know about the lice a minute ago." Principal General Barrage: "They're experts, Miss Kwee. It's their job to know about outbreaks before the rest of us. Now quit prancing on my petunias and get!" and Holger do as commanded. Tina turns to Lee. Tina: "D-um–" follows Biffy and Holger, and Tina sadly brings up the rear. ---- has tuned to a Mexican soap opera. Rosalita: "Lo siento, Marco. Tengo quiéreme." Camillio: "No no nonono, you can't leave like this. Don't you see that he loves you? Rosalita! You come back!" starts crying. "Rosalita!" ---- is doing the first examination personally. Principal General Barrage: a girl "Maybe infested." walks into the gym and joins a long line for inspection by the experts. Branch walks up scratching his head. "Definitely infected! Over there, cootie boy. Next!" Jenny and Tina are together in line. Jenny frowns as she looks at the photo on her phone and scratches her head. She then places a call and gets an answering machine. Jenny: "Mom, any chance you were in some weird eighties science-themed band with my half-robot principal back in the day? Call me, bye." hangs up. Tina: "There has to be some reasonable explanation." line moves forward. Jenny: "No there doesn't! Sorry. I'm all wound up. First you show me this, then my bike gets totally stolen in broad daylight!" Tina: "That's awful, I'm sorry." Jenny: "I know, right? At least this hot guy came to my rescue. He gave me a ride to school on his motorcycle? He's so cool!" Tina: "Okay, what are you doing accepting rides from strangers? Something bad could've happened." Jenny: "Uh-uh. I'm a good judge of character. Besides, he had a spare helmet. C'mon. So classy." Tina: unimpressed "Wow. Lucky you." Principal General Barrage: "Ping." scans Lee, who presents his scalp. "Hmm, maybe infected. But it's a squeaker." scans the line and spots Tina scratching her head. He centers in on Tina and Jenny. Principal General Barrage: "You two! Def infected, now!" Tina: "But–oh..." Principal General Barrage: "Get over there a s a double-p! And no lippity-lip from you, little Miss Pain in the Post-erior!" Tina: Jenny "Ugh, I knew you were infected! Why did I let you stand so close?" Jenny: "Hey, at least we get to be quarantined together. Sistahs!" Tina: unenthusiastic "Yeah. Whoopie." Jenny: "What's wrong? Is there something you're not telling me?" and Jenny enter the gym. Biffy and Lee have been quarantined in the same area. Lee: "Hey. Uh, where's Holger?" Biffy: "Trying to find out if he can fly." points to a dangling rope, which twitches as a humming Holger climbs it. Holger: "And–flyyyaaAAAAHHHHH!" slams into the gym floor heavily. Biffy cracks up. Biffy: "Flying? Oh to the no he did not." Kimmie: past "I thought taking advantage of the already disadvantaged was cruel. Gee, who's the mean one now?" Biffy: "Oh, what? It's not even–he asked for it! And–ah, she's totally right." gets up with a big smile on his face. Holger: happy "Holger try again!" Biffy: him back "Nuh-uh-uh, no more flying tests. From now on, we only do stuff that can't lead to serious bodily injury. Okay?" Holger: "Oh. Maybe teensy, almost-bodily injury?" pointedly keeps herself from looking at Biffy. Biffy slumps. Holger sniffs the air. Holger: "Uhuh! Not to be worrying. Kimmie is only pretending to have the madness feelings. She really has the love smell for you! Just like the love smell you have for her!" Lee: "First you have a dream about me getting my heart crushed and now you're detecting love smells?" Holger: "Ja! And now Lee is mentioning he has been extra smelly for Tina lately. Pee-yew! Take a shower, Monsieur Lovesick!" Lee: blushing "What! Ha! No. I mean, okay you're right. Maybe you're like Captain Lovevibes or something." Holger: ecstatic "Oh! Me? Holger always wanted to be captain! Ooha!" Mrs. Ping: "Ow!" attention is drawn to Lee's mother. "Watch it with the rough stuff." familiar looking doctor stamps her hand with a green checkmark. "That's more like it. Lee, you better not fail the test." Lee: "C'mon Mom, it's a lice outbreak, it's not that kind of a test." Mrs. Ping: the gym "No excuses." walks over to the chair and sits down. The Serpent plucks a strand of hair from his head. Lee: "Ow! Is that really necessary?" Serpent lets out his trademark giggle. Lee stands up, shocked. The Serpent: "No, but it's way more fun." Lee: "Guys, it's The Serpent!" Serpent takes off. Lee and his friends chase him. Lee: "Come on!" Serpent runs out of the gym. Biffy: "Hey!" Lee: "He can't get far, the school's in lockdown." Biffy: "That's right. Heh heh. This time he's trapped on our turf." Lee: "And I bet I know where he's headed. Come on!" Serpent runs into the library. He has torn off his doctoring clothes, and he tosses them behind him. He opens the door to the room at the back of the library only to find Lee, Biffy, and Holger waiting for him. Lee: "You're not getting away this time!" The Serpent: "Really? I'm intrigued." pulls out a retractable blade/cane. "How are you going to stop me?" Lee: "Good question." Biffy "Dude! How're we gonna stop him again?" Biffy: "Holg! Use your superpowers on him! I–I mean your magic powers, whatever they are, just use 'em!" Holger: The Serpent "Euch. No love smell. Only whole lifetime of sadness and much loneliness." Biffy: "No not that power, zap him with a lightning bolt or something!" Holger: his hands over his head "Vuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh AND KAPOSAHOSEN!" points at The Serpent. Nothing happens. Biffy: sighing "Lightning bolt fingers: zilcharamma." The Serpent: "Boys, it's time to stand aside." Holger: "No vay José person! There is no stand aside for sidekick supremo!" grabs the card The Serpent is holding. The Serpent kicks him to the floor, so Holger pops the card into his mouth. The Serpent: shocked "What did you do?" angry "Spit it out!" jabs Holger in the stomach with the blunt end of his weapon. Biffy: "Pile on!" and Biffy leap at The Serpent. The Serpent dodges, and Biffy lands on top of Lee. Lee: "Ow." Serpent runs out of the room. Lee: "Maybe next time, just do the pile on, don't warn him first?" coughs and spits up The Serpent's card. Biffy: "Nice move. Cuckoo, but nice." Holger: "Donkey shine." ---- has ordered a pizza. Camillio: "So Rosalita, she's all like, um no way Marco, I am outta here, ohnkay? I can't believe you don't watch this show man. Oh yeah, here's the money." yanks the bill away just as the deliveryman reaches for it. "Ooh! But I forgot to tell you what he does, man! He goes to the club later! Uh-huh! And he's all like–" dancing "–untz untz untz untz–" pizza guy walks away. "Hey. No." desperate "Hombre! Come back! My world is empty without you!" to his knees "Don't go pizza dude!" man's car speeds away. ---- three friends run down the hall. Lee: "Even if we catch up to him, he's a ninja! We need a plan." Biffy: to a stop "Already got one." punches a locker, and the door opens, revealing a stash of crystal guns. "Sha-shing!" Lee: "Whoa! Where did you get those?" Biffy: "I've been stocking up for a rainy day. And today, it's raining lice." his gun "Time to even the odds." ---- Serpent is trying to use a passcode on another door. Everything he tries is rejected. The Serpent: annoyed "Who changed this? Rrr." door opens, and the three teenagers step in. Biffy tries to cock his gun for the cool sound, but gets nothing. Biffy: "Oh right, I already cocked mine." looks over at Holger, who has the gun pointed at his own face. He grabs the gun and turns it around. Lee: aiming "Gotcha." ---- guns are trained on The Serpent. Lee: "I know you're stalking my family." the air "Hey. How come you don't stink anymore?" The Serpent: "How come you don't stink anymore?" Biffy: "Uh, you're not very good at comebacks, are you. End of the line, pal!" The Serpent: "Not quite." Serpent readies his weapon. The trio fire at him, and he ducks the blasts. He then throws his weapon at a vent cover, and the cover falls off. He grabs his weapon and leaps into the vents in one swift motion. Lee: Biffy "What are you smiling about?" Biffy: "He's still on our turf. Specifically, yours. Go get 'im!" Lee: "Yeah, lucky me. Here goes nothing!" slings the crystalizing rifle behind him and enters the vents. ---- is gushing about The Serpent to Tina. Jenny: "He's just so cool, and his motorcycle is so fast, and his accent, ah, so exotic." Tina: bored "Uh-huh. That's so great." Doctor: "Next!" moves up to get examined. Brandy: Jenny and Tina "It's supposed to be the twenty-first century. What is this, Black Plague High?" Beth: towards them "Greetings, troubled subjects." Brandy: "Ugh, what do you want?" Beth: on some rubber gloves "I'm visiting the victims, like presidents do in times of disaster." Brandy: "Really? With a camera crew?" Beth: "It's a goodwill mission, can't you just play along?" Brandy: "No." to the camera "Fact: when Camillio Martinez was school president, nobody had lice." at Beth "Lice wizard, lice wizard–" Brandy, Tina, and Jenny: chanting "Lice wizard, lice wizard, lice wizard!" shocked Beth runs away. The three girls laugh. ---- is using his computer for entertainment. Camillio: "Aw, man. Nothing on TV I wanna see, nothing on the internets I haven't seen–this is starting to get a little less than awesome. Ooh, I know. I'll write my memoirs." typing "Heart of a Warrior, Legs of a...Wiener Dog. The Camillio Martinez Story. Mm-mm-mm-nice. Okay. Chapter one. Uh...um...aw, man, suspension really is a form of punishment! I never thought I'd say this but, I miss school." desperate "Sch-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hool!" ---- and Holger are tracking the vents by way of the hallway. Biffy: "They're heading that way! Quick, go up that vent and cut them off." eagerly runs off to do as commanded. Lee is in hot pursuit of The Serpent. Lee: "Gotcha! For reals this time." Serpent looks ahead and sees Holger coming up in front of him. Holger: "Ah-heh-heh-heh! Stinky ninja person!" points his gun at The Serpent. He fires, and The Serpent dodges. A wall of crystal forms between Lee and The Serpent. Holger: "Oopsadaisyflower. Sorry Lee!" shaking "Now holding still, okay?" Serpent slaps the gun down. Holger's head hits the top of the vent, and he collapses, allowing The Serpent to pass. The Serpent knocks down a vent cover and drops from it. The Serpent: "All clear." Biffy: him "Not quite." Serpent makes a break for it. Suddenly, Lee drops from a vent in front of him. Lee: "I'm sick of your games!" his gun at The Serpent "Why are you messing with my family? What do you want from me!" The Serpent: "I already have what I want." approaches from the other side. Lee: "Okay, enough with the riddles. Everything with you is slow-mo doves, flying around in the rain! I've had it. Biffy, lock and load." cocks his gun. Biffy: to cock his gun "With pleas–oh I keep doing that!" The Serpent: "Fine. Have it your way." Serpent pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket. Inside the bag is a picture of Lee and a test tube containing a strand of Lee's hair. Lee: "What? Okay, I know you're a gold medal class weirdo, but why do you have that?" The Serpent: "Wouldn't you like to know." bell rings. Principal General Barrage: "De-smissed!" doors to the gym open. Lee dumps his gun in a trash can, Biffy hides his gun behind his back, and The Serpent puts the bag back into his jacket. "Lice have been con-tained! Lockdown is over!" stream out of the gym. "Just in time for lunch, hoo-whee! I hope it's pizza day." doors to the school open just in time to release the principal's outraged yell into the wild. Principal General Barrage: outraged "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO MORE GLUTEN?!?!?" The Serpent ducks behind a pair of football players and disappears. Lee: "Hey! Wh–what are you–unh." Serpent slinks like a viper into the crowd and places an arm around Jenny's shoulder. Jenny: surprised "Hey! Wh-what are you doing here?" The Serpent: "I forgot to get your number." and Biffy are left behind, still scanning the crowd for a hint of a red jacket. Biffy: "Where'd he go?" Principal General Barrage: "Where'd who go, ladies?" Lee grumpily "You, detention." Biffy "And you, detention too." Biffy: "But I didn't do anything!" Principal General Barrage: "No, but you will. Now hut two three four!" and Biffy walk to detention. Lee: "So close." ---- school lets out, Jenny finds The Serpent's motorcycle waiting for her. Jenny: "Oh, hey. What's up?" The Serpent: "Figured you might need a ride home." holds out a different helmet than the one he gave Jenny that morning. "In case you were running late." Jenny: the helmet "Heck yeah." on "Let's roll." Serpent revs his engine and speeds away with Jenny's arms wrapped around his midsection. ---- night, Lee has a video chat with Cam. Camillio: "It was awesome for like two hours and then the stank set in. I don't know how I'm gonna do two more days!" Lee: "At least you didn't catch lice or get your butt kicked by The Serpent. Why would he take a hair?" Camillio: "Dude whenever you see that kind of thing in a movie either it's a voodoo doll, or like cloning bro." Lee: "Yeah. How about a slightly more reality-based theory? Even though anything's possible at A. Nigma High." Camillio: "Unkay. Maybe he's like, your biggest fan." falsetto "Ooh, Lee Ping, he's so cool and stuff. I wish I had a souvenir. A hair follicle." Lee: chuckling "As if!" and Cam laugh. ---- Serpent is actually running the strand of Lee's hair through a DNA scanner. The results pop up on his big screen. DNA Scanner: "Test result: positive." Serpent gets up with a smile on his face. He picks up Biffy's dead spying phone and tosses it in the trash. He walks over to the window and strokes Priscilla's chin as he looks out. The Serpent: "I've checked, and I've double-checked. And now I know for sure. I've finally found you."